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Friday October 31, 2003

Forget the engraved pen

— some pointers on gifts for today’s b’nai mitzvah

by rachel sarah
correspondent

If you need advice about bar or bat mitzvah gift-giving, just ask Ilona Shechter. A full-time Judaic studies and art teacher in a Palo Alto day school as well as a Hebrew-school teacher at a Los Altos Hills synagogue, she gets invited to a b’nai mitzvah celebration almost every Saturday.

Returning a phone call just hours before Rosh Hashanah, Shechter says with a laugh: “The one consolation is that I don’t have a bar mitzvah to go to this weekend. Some Saturdays I have to do what’s called double-duty, when I attend half of a ceremony at one synagogue and the second half of a ceremony at another synagogue.”

Shechter, who teaches at Gideon Hausner Jewish Day School and Congregation Beth Am, routinely gives the celebrant a check for $18 — the numerical value of the word chai, meaning life. “I give up to $36 if the child is a close family friend,” she adds.

While it is customary to give money for a bar or bat mitzvah, invitees might want to impart something more personal by giving a special gift.

When asked his opinion on giving a traditional bar mitzvah gift, such as an engraved pen, Afikomen Judaica shop owner Jerry Derblich chuckles.

“Pens are not big in the Bay Area anymore,” he explains. “That was popular in the 1950s. The joke nowadays is, ‘Today I became a man — I got a fountain pen.’”

Myra Kaplan, who works alongside Derblich at the Berkeley shop, adds, “Today it should be, ‘I became a man — I got a laptop.’”

Laptops aside (no, they can’t be found at Afikomen), Kaplan is eager to point out some of the more traditional gifts for today’s b’nai mitzvah.

High-end shoppers might be interested in handmade tallitot, which can be special-ordered from Israeli artists and range in price from $135 to $400. More commonly tallitot, such as the traditional striped ones, cost between $60 and $120. Sterling silver tallit clips run from $50 to $100, while clips made from other materials may be priced under $40.

In a glass case in the back of Afikomen are rows of sterling silver Kiddush cups, averaging $150. (Kaplan can even recommend an engraver from Israel.) Other traditional gifts, which range vastly in price, are tzedakah boxes ($15 to $250) and mezuzot ($5 to $200).

Another option is to browse your local Judaica store for books, artwork or jewelry. Once again, there are choices for any budget.

At Alef Bet in Los Gatos, owner Nurit Sabadosh says the store sells a number of attractive Judaica boxes, ranging in price from $5.50 to $50, that can store items from key chains and jewelry to baseball cards and other collectibles.

In addition, for those who know the tastes of the girl or boy, she suggests wall hangings and decorations for the room, ranging from $12 to $200, as well as picture frames and albums.

Aziza Mara, co-owner of L’Chaim in Danville, offers a number of choices for those looking in the $50–and-under range. Among them: sterling silver commemorative coins (around $40) that can be engraved with the name of the b’nai mitzvah, miniature display Torahs by artist Gary Rosenthal (mid-$30s); traveling Shabbat candlesticks, also by Rosenthal ($40s and up) collectible dreidels ($50 range); Miriam’s cups, which make ideal gifts for girls ($35 and up); and artist-designed tambourines ($36-$50).

Kaplan, who purchases jewelry for Afikomen and can special-order items, says, “When I buy it, I don’t feel like everything has to have a Star of David on it to be Jewish.”

One of her favorite artists, designer Ayala Bar, is arguably Israel’s most popular jewelry exporter. Bar travels often in search of new materials for her collections, with items ranging from $38 for earrings to $400 necklaces.

If you want to add Jewish literature to a 13-year-old’s bookshelf, you might purchase a prayer book, such as the Reform movement’s “The New Union Prayer Book” (Central Conference on American Rabbis, $25).

Abra Greenspan, youth and family education program director at Congregation Emanu-El in San Francisco, loves to give a book by one of her favorite writers, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin. Most recently, Greenspan wrapped up a copy of Telushkin’s “Jewish Literacy” (William Morrow, $35), which presents 364 brief explanations of the most important concepts concerning Jewish history and culture.

Like Hebrew-school teacher Shechter, Greenspan receives a lot of b’nai mitzvah invitations. In general, she says, “I give a big donation to the education fund for all the kids at Temple Emanu-El.”

However, if she has a more personal relationship with a child, she might purchase a yad, a shofar or a CD. She has given the CD “Jewish Odyssey” (Putumayo World Music, $14.99), a collection of Jewish music including folk and modern pop from the Middle East.

Recently, Greenspan gave a biography of the legendary L.A. Dodgers pitcher Sandy Koufax to a young fan. There are actually two new biographies out right now about Koufax, who refused to pitch on the opening game of the 1965 World Series, which fell on Yom Kippur. One is “Koufax,” by Edward Gruver (Taylor Pub, $16.95), and the other is “Sandy Koufax : A Lefty’s Legacy,” by Jane Leavy (Perennial, $13.95 softcover).

Both Greenspan and Shechter said the most meaningful celebrations they’d attended are the ones at which teenagers did not take home piles of gifts after the party ended.

“This is when the invitation states, ‘No gifts. Please give a donation in my name to a particular charity,’” Shechter explains.

After all, Greenspan says half-jokingly, “How many Kiddush cups does a kid need?”

Greenspan’s son, Bindy Hayashi, who has an upcoming bar mitzvah, is planning a literary theme. He included a mitzvah card with his invitation, according to his mom, asking people to bring books he’ll donate to a public school.

“But he’s also hoping to get some presents,” she says. “I do think that it’s important to have a balance, and most 13-year-olds feel that way.”

Still, Greenspan adds, many gift-givers simply slip a check into an envelope. “I’m not sure if it has ever been articulated this way, but I think that most people feel comfortable giving money because it’s an investment in the child’s future.”

Ellen Bob, co-owner of bob and bob in Palo Alto, suggests: “Even if you give a check, sometimes it’s nice to give a little something that’s concrete for now. What happens is the check goes into a savings account, which they’ll save ... but doesn’t get remembered as a gift from you. But a book is something that a bar or bat mitzvah can pull out 30 years from now.”

Among her suggestions: “The Story of the Jews: A 4,000-Year Adventure,” paperback comic-book history by Stan Mack (Jewish Lights, $16.95).

Bob also suggests models of antiquity, which duplicate pieces dug up by archaeologists in Israel and sell for $28 and up and offer a “hands-on history lesson.”

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