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Wednesday November 26, 2003

A human rights issue — and we’re in God’s image

by sydney mintz

Let me get this “straight” — I can marry you, but I still can’t get married?

As a rabbi, I have the right and the honor to stand under the chuppah with a bride and groom and “marry” them, yet I am prohibited by civil law from marrying my own partner. If, as Jews, we have the responsibility to be L’or ha-goyim, “a light unto the nations,” shouldn’t we illuminate the inherent wrong in denying people the basic right of marriage because of whom they love?

There is very little left to fear about gay marriage, about extending the same freedoms and rights to gays and lesbians that our fellow Americans enjoy by virtue of their heterosexuality. Plain and simple, it is homophobic to deny gays and lesbians this basic right. It is also mean-spirited and unfair. As the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court established last week, “Whether and whom to marry, how to express sexual intimacy, and whether and how to establish a family — these are among the most basic of every individual’s liberty and due process rights.”

The Reform movement has already affirmed same-sex religious unions and its response to the Massachusetts ruling was unequivocal. The Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism stated on Tuesday, Nov. 18: “Today’s decision is also an important affirmation of continuing vitality of the institution of marriage. As the Court itself recognized, today’s decision marks a significant change in the definition of marriage as it has been inherited from the common law. But it does not disturb the fundamental value of marriage in our society.

“The Court’s decision is a recognition that we cannot allow our nation to continue to be segregated into separate and decidedly unequal groups: those adults who are free to express their love for one another in marriage and those adults who are not. As the Court’s opinion makes clear, a wide array of rights and privileges flow from civil marriage. Today’s decision is a powerful, and welcome, affirmation that people should not be excluded from such benefits based solely on their sexual orientation.”

The Reform movement’s response is my response. It is based on the central beliefs of the Jewish people — kavod, respect; b’tzelem Elohim, being created in the image of God; and kedushah, holiness. We do have the right to define what is holy. God tells us that we are an am kodesh, a holy people, but it’s up to us to do the sanctifying.

When a Jew marries, he or she says: Harey at mekudeshet li — You are consecrated to me with this ring according to the laws of Moses and Israel. Nowhere in the wedding ceremony does God do any “kiddushing.” Making yourself holy to another human being is a very natural human inclination.

If you don’t feel like being an activist for this cause, that’s fine. But please don’t be a part of preventing me from being on equal footing with the rest of you. My ability to get married won’t detract from the sanctity of your marriage.

As a people who have been labeled and feared and treated as ger, stranger, from time immemorial, it is a Jewish value to treat the ger with dignity. But, why treat us as strangers, when we are your sons and daughters, your friends and neighbors, your teachers and your rabbis?

I look around and see law-abiding, tax-paying, upright and outstanding American people being denied the fundamental right of marriage, and I wonder, what is so scary about us? We are a group of individuals who make up a portion of this beautifully diverse country. And we are human beings who only want the best for our partners and families and are sick at heart with each affront by the government to our human dignity. How can our religion tolerate the rest of society getting the double portion when we haven’t even started our first course yet? What kind of God would deny the sanctity of holiness between two people who want to commit their lives to one another? That’s not the Judaism that I know. That’s not the Judaism that I teach.

The fact that I paid an exorbitant sum of money to adopt my own children, that I am unable to file taxes jointly, that I am still facing legal hurdles when it comes to inheritance, power of attorney and health care is just wrong. whether it is through the lens of my Judaism or my Americanism.

But, don’t worry, I’ll still marry you if you are straight. All we ask is that you dance at our weddings, too.

Sydney Mintz is associate rabbi at Congregation Emanu-El in San Francisco.

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