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Thursday July 22, 2004

Jokes

A tall order

David and Rebecca are an elderly couple, both in their 80s.

One day, Rebecca says to David, “Do you know what I’d like right now? Some corned beef.”

“Then I’ll go get you some,” he says.

“That’s sweet of you, dear,” she says. “Go get a piece of paper so you can write down what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days. You can’t even remember when the Sabbath starts.”

“Don’t you worry,” says David, “I won’t forget. Just tell me what you want.”

“I’d rather you wrote it down,” says Rebecca.

“Please don’t argue,” he says. “What do you want?”

“I want some corned beef with hot mustard. Please write it down.”

“I don’t need to. Do you want anything else?”

“Yes, I’ll have some pastrami on rye,” she replies.

“Oy, you’re hungry! Anything else?”

“Yes, I’ll also have one of those giant dill pickles. But are you sure you won’t write it down?” says Rebecca.

“I don’t need to, honest. Now, do you want anything else?”

“Well now you ask,” says Rebecca. “I’d like some nice, fresh, chopped liver. But will you remember all of that?”

“Yes, dear, stop nagging,” says David as he leaves to get the order. Nearly an hour later David comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rebecca and proudly announces, “Darling, here’s the whitefish you asked for!”

Rebecca looks in the parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where’s the bagel?”

A visit to his rabbi

Benjamin rushes to his rabbi. “Rabbi, you’ve got to pray for me to have the strength of a young man. I’ve got a date tonight with this beautiful young girl.”

The rabbi says, “Hold on a second. You’re 70 years old, there’s really not a lot I can do for you.”

Benjamin replies, “But rabbi, my friend Israel is much older than I am, and he says he has sex three times a week.”

“OK,” says the rabbi, “so you say it, too!”

In name only

Joe heard the loud crying of a woman and went to investigate. She was beside a grave and was weeping. “Oh, Abe, it’s been four years since you left me but I still miss you so much.”

Joe asked, “Whom are you mourning?”

“My husband,” she replied. “I miss him dearly.”

But Joe noticed something strange, and said to her, “Your husband? But it says on the headstone in memory of Freda Goldberg.”

“Oh yes,” she replied, “he put everything in my name.”

Torah teaser

Q: What do you call a Torah with a seat belt?

A: A Safer Torah!

The principle

A congregant asked his rabbi: “Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I’m not at work?”

“You have discovered one of the principles of human nature,” the rabbi replied.

“And what principle is that, rabbi?”

“People like to discuss things they know nothing about.”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.

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