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Friday February 18, 2005

Financial intimacy

Seminar leader: Ignorance is not bliss

by jennifer liss
staff writer

A signed and framed ketubah is often the first piece of art in a Jewish home, remarks Helga Hayse, founder of the ongoing seminar “A Wife’s Guide to Financial Intimacy.”

“I remember signing a ketubah all in Hebrew,” says Hayse, who is Jewish. “Somebody shoves a paper of front of you. You’re in a wedding gown and you sign.”

While signing a ketubah — even if you cannot read it — takes nothing away from the marriage commitment, it is symbolic of a common problem, according to Hayse.

Many wives are not participating equally in their marriage finances, and the biting consequences after they are widowed or divorced can be devastating.

So ladies, before signing a marriage contract, Hayse advises, get Mr. Wonderful to hand over his credit score.

“It used to be that the two tough subjects were money and sex. Sex isn’t a tough subject anymore. It is all over the newspaper.

“Money and death are the last two taboos.”

Over the course of the last four years, about 500 Bay Area women have attended “A Wife’s Guide to Financial Intimacy” at synagogues, conference centers and even golf-course clubhouses.

Hayse, 64, guides her students to get over the “it’s his job” complex. Her goal is to teach women about participating in finances alongside their husbands. The San Mateo is writing a book on the subject and hopes to have it published this spring.

“Getting married just because you love each other is not going to be smooth sailing if you can’t be financially transparent with each other.”

On the surface it may seem bewildering, especially to a younger generation, that many women who for years were financially independent as singles, would relinquish fiscal responsibility upon tying the knot.

But it happens, Hayse insists. “Wives haven’t come as far as we think.”

“They don’t like to participate because they just don’t like to do it. They say, ‘This is an area I’m not good at, I’m not good with money.’ The Cinderella complex rears its ugly head.”

Under California community property laws, a husband and wife share assets and debt equally.

But if a spouse dies, husbands often lose less financially, she points out. “Even though there might be a two-income couple, typically a husband earns more and is more financially savvy.”

According to the Center for Retirement Research, 28 percent of single older women are either poor or near poor. The most critical factor associated with poverty in old age is not having a husband.

And with most divorces in California, community property is divided down the middle. One woman attending Hayse’ seminar told her that three years after her divorce she was still paying off debts accumulated during marriage.

Most husbands do intend on doing their best to take care of their families, Hayse says. “Most of the time it is not deception, but husbands can make a mistake.”

At a recent seminar at Peninsula Temple Beth El in San Mateo, some of the participants felt that Jewish husbands have a reputation for “not being deceptive.” Hayse deconstructed this stereotype, noting that financial candor does not protect women from their own fear to participate.

There is also the hurdle of learning to talk about death.

Like many of the women who attend her seminars, Hayse for years had never questioned her husband’s control over their finances. If he asked her to “sign here,” she would dutifully sign. She knew he loved her, and that he would do what was best.

Gradually, however, in part due to her investigate work as a journalist, she took a more active interest in family finances.

Still, “My husband, like many in the U.S., didn’t like to think about dying, that one day they are not going to be in control. They know in the back of their mind but they try not to think about it.”

Eight years ago, her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. Her efforts to become knowledgeable and engaged in their dual finances proved invaluable.

“This information saved my life. All the prep work I had done made the difference between being saddled with debt and not.”

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