by abigail gary
n.j. jewish standard
Bar and bat mitzvah services are family affairs, and that usually extends to the guest list as well.
Families are invited, and inevitably some young children will be present at the service and reception. Parents who have taken little ones to what can seem to them to be a long and often hard-to-understand service know how difficult it is to occupy squirmy children who have tired of watching the proceedings. And frequent guests of these services know how annoying a whiny, fidgety child in the adjoining pew can be.
What’s a parent to do? There are a number of ways to approach the problem. None is foolproof, yet trying one or the other may get you a block of peace during the service and a happy, occupied child.
One suggestion: Bring a bag of “occupiers” that will keep your child busy during slow times in the service, and dole them out periodically.
“Temple toys” such as pipe cleaners worked for Cheryl Wylen, mother of four and wife of Rabbi Stephen Wylen of Temple Beth Tikvah in Wayne, N.J. “They are quiet, and the kids could play with them for a long time,” she says.
If your child can read to herself, bring a few books that she hasn’t seen before and save them until she’s bored. Or if he’s in the pre-reading stage, try drawing paper and colored pencils or a few little cars.
Rabbi Michael Goldstein of the Glen Rock Jewish Center suggests a book or small deck of matching cards that a child can play with on her own. “Bring a small toy [action figure/doll, matchbox car, etc.] that the child can play with, even sitting on the floor in front of the seat if space permits.”
Food is another diversion. A plastic bag with some easy-to-eat favorites can do wonders for a child’s temperament. Just avoid excessively crunchy (i.e., noisy) and high-crumb foods and anything that stains. Cheerios, goldfish crackers, raisins, soft cookies, and small carrots work well.
Many parents arrive at synagogue expecting to take their children out of the sanctuary several times during the service. It’s almost impossible for a preschooler, for instance, to sit still for several hours, and a trip out to the playground or a walk around the parking lot may be just the break he needs.
“I believe that there is a big difference between very young children and 5- to 7-year-olds,” says Goldstein. “Very young children are not going to sit for long periods, and it is highly unlikely that the service ... is going to engage them. The parent has to be prepared to get up periodically and let the child roam a bit outside the room. By being able to move, run, explore, visit the bathroom, drink, and eat every little while, the child will get out some energy, and hopefully be ready to go back and sit some more.”
Though some synagogues provide childcare during services, if not, the family of the child being bar- or bat mitzvahed may want to arrange for it on their own and make it known to guests prior to the big day.
If you as a parent and guest know babysitting will not be available, you may want to arrange for it on your own. A sitter who accompanies you to the service can escort your child outside at the first signs of restlessness and return after a period of time, freeing you and your spouse to enjoy the service. Or you may want to join other families in hiring a sitter to care for your children in one of the rooms of the synagogue; check with the host family or the synagogue first though, before you plan to use their space.
Another way to approach the situation is to help your child understand the service better by preparing her at home and highlighting the most interesting and dramatic parts of the service. Explaining in advance what the different parts of the service signify makes it much more meaningful to a child who doesn’t yet understand Hebrew. (A quiet commentary in a parent’s low voice can often make the difference between a boring experience and an educational one.)
Another part worth waiting for may be the custom of pelting the honoree with candy, a common practice in many synagogues after the Torah and Haftarah readings are completed. Candy is thrown as a sign of joy and happiness in the same way that God’s blessings are thought to rain down on the world. After the last bit of candy is thrown, the children are allowed to come up to the bimah and collect it, a moment that breaks the tension and relieves restlessness.
Finally, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach of Englewood, father of seven, suggests another tact.
“If parents raise their expectations of their kids and take them regularly to services where they are expected to listen and participate, they will be much better equipped for handling the occasional bar/bat mitzvah service. If you don’t involve your children or help them follow along, then they’re not going to be able to participate and they’re going to miss out on a learning experience. They’re going to sense that you don’t expect much of them.
“It’s just as important to teach them respect for the service — all services — and not assume that they don’t have the capacity to understand what’s going on. The purpose of the synagogue is to serve children, too, not to encourage them to run outside and play on the playground while the service is going on.”
Rabbi Goldstein puts it another way: “The bottom line is that if the child talks a little, goes in and out a little, and nibbles a little, hopefully it will not disturb others. If any of this in moderation is disturbing others around you, that is unfortunate and they may be overly sensitive, but the proper thing to do is to go outside with your child. I would encourage parents to sit near the aisle and toward the sides or back so as to have easy egress.
“Any time the child spends in the synagogue will be a learning experience for future times. The more exposure, the easier it will become.”
CopyrightJ, the Jewish news weekly of Northern California