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Friday March 30, 2007

Rabbi offers hints on helping kids cope with mourning process

by lizzie logan, age 15
correspondent

“Beyond the Tears: Helping Jewish Kids Cope With Death” by Rabbi Eugene I. Kwalwasser is a guide to helping Jewish children who have recently lost a loved one deal with their grief.

Really, it is multiple shorter books, with each chapter serving a different purpose. The books cover experiences, feelings, death and the Torah, communication, book making and mourning and frequently asked questions.

Although each section provides insight, they don’t apply to every situation. The book would be more effective if parents of young children skimmed it and found the sections appropriate to their situation before giving it to their child. Older children can skim it themselves.

The first section is devoted to stories about fictional Jewish families that suffer various kinds of loss. What seemed important to me in this chapter are the stories in which the child suffers a loss and the parents do not; for instance, a schoolmate or teacher’s death. Parents might wish to read this chapter by themselves and again with their child in order to better comfort them.

The feelings chapter is especially important for more introverted children who need reassuring that they are normal but might not feel comfortable talking to their parents.

Next is a chapter that runs a little too long. It is supposed to answer the question “Why?” but instead just lists Jewish stories involving death. Also, it contains way too many metaphors.

Most important in the book is the communication chapter. It provides a guide for finding good friends and listeners, something worthwhile even if one hasn’t recently suffered a loss.

One of the more interesting chapters is the section that is, in essence, a step-by-step guide to making a book about one’s experience. Children might not feel inspired creatively at such a hard time, but writing down stories is important for the future when, unfortunately, memory does start to fade.

The final chapter really gets down to the practical aspects of Jewish death. It is a 20 questions-and-answers guide to Jewish burials. Parents should definitely have their child read this because they probably won’t want to answer a lot of questions during the funeral service.

In our multicultural, mixed-race world, I found one omission very startling: How does a child behave at a non-Jewish funeral? My great-grandfather was a Catholic, and when he died, I attended mass in a church. I couldn’t help wondering if I sang along to a hymn, would God forgive me? If I didn’t sing along, would it disrespect my great-grandfather’s wishes to have a Catholic funeral? A rabbi’s thoughts on this subject would have been welcome.

I still recommend “Beyond the Tears” for Jewish families dealing with a loss. Not every child will find it useful, but for those who do it is an excellent resource.

“Beyond the Tears: Helping Jewish Kids Cope With Death” by Rabbi Eugene I. Kwalwasser (112 pages, Devora Publishing, $18.95).

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