by andrea jacobs
l'chaim
For the past 25 years, Dr. Howard J. Markman has been using a scientific paradigm to investigate one of the most enigmatic forces in the universe — love.
A clinical psychologist, Markman directs the Center for Marital and Family Studies at University of Denver, where he teaches such intriguing courses as “The Psychology of Love.”
He also leads marriage workshops and has written and co-authored many books, including “Beyond the Chuppah: A Jewish Guide to Happy Marriages.”
The concept of a beshert — an intended soul mate — dates back to the Bible. It’s a powerful image — two souls recognizing each other, marrying and spending their days in mutual bliss.
“Falling in love is easy,” says Markman, who dismisses culturally induced romantic notions that accompany the experience. “It’s biologically determined. In the beginning of the relationship there’s passion, chemistry, attraction. This doesn’t define love, but it is an aspect of love.”
What typically follows — a marriage predicated upon overwhelming passion — requires deliberate thought, education and practical skills.
But friendship is perhaps the most important factor in determining whether a relationship should progress into a long-term commitment, he says.
“You ask yourself, is this person going to be there for me, make our relationship a priority, provide a safe harbor for me when I get sick? Can I talk to this person about anything and everything? Can I have children with this person? Can I see myself growing old with him or her?”
The ability to laugh with a potential mate is also crucial.
In his private practice counseling couples, Markman has found “the biggest problem is that they can be happy enough together — but they’ve fallen out of love.”
It is the nature of love to ebb and flow, he says. The challenge for married couples is to sustain an intimate level of friendship, respect and affection.
“When the passion goes, people frequently think, ‘Oh, I made the wrong choice in a spouse,’ when it’s really the natural course of relationships. We need to educate couples about this natural evolution.”
While Markman concentrates the majority of his practice on renewing love between married couples, he wants to educate soon-to-be couples in the science — and art — of establishing a solid relationship. “We try to teach that when you’re lucky enough to find love, you needs skills and principles that will keep this love alive for a lifetime.”
The genesis of his interest in love started during his undergraduate days at Rutgers University, where he was a residence assistant in the dorm and “constantly fielded questions about relationships from the students.”
After earning his master’s and doctorate from Indiana University, he moved to Denver in 1980 to head D.U.’s Center for Marital and Family Studies, where he established a research program and devised principles to ensure healthy marital relationships.
Contrary to some therapists, Markman believes human beings are essentially monogamous.
“There are betrayals and affairs, which are very corrosive elements, but they usually occur after a great deal of stress has already set in. It’s taking a bad situation and making it worse.”
Although he would like couples to work out their marital difficulties, sometimes divorce is preferable, he says.
“When there’s marked verbal or physical aggression — not the occasional shouting match, although this might be a warning sign — couples should get help quickly. And some should consider divorce. If there are children, parents should get help for them from a qualified marriage counselor. Children suffer when their parents are in a really unhealthy relationship.”
However, even when marriages are on the verge of disintegrating, sufficient commitment and work might reverse the downward spiral.
Jews traditionally pride themselves on being outside the norm when it comes to behaviors signaling dysfunction of any kind — including divorce — but Markman says they are catching up to the national divorce rate, which hovers at 50 percent.
The Jewish community “has tremendous resources on the spiritual and religious side, which should work to our advantage. But our expectations will be higher than the average person’s. We invest more not only in finding the right person but being the right person when we find that special relationship.
“The higher your expectations, the harder you’re going to fall if you don’t feel they are being met.”
Some Jewish couples have difficulty expressing anything negative within the relationship, which can lead to aggressive outbursts, he suggests.
“We see ourselves as upstanding, virtuous individuals, so a lot of couples have trouble handling negative emotions. But you can learn to deal with these emotions by acquiring the right skills.”
As for Jewish singles looking for a mate, “I always tell young people, if you want to fall in love with a Jewish person, get more involved in your Jewish community.”
And for the increasing number of individuals who are alone, either through choice or circumstance, Markman recommends living the fullest life possible.
“I believe that if you really want a relationship, there are multitudes of people you can meet. But we all need to invest in what we have control over, and that is being the best person we can possibly be — for ourselves.
“There are only a few ways to have a really miserable life, and a lot of ways to be happy.”
This article is reprinted with permission from L’Chaim magazine, where it appeared Feb. 23. Copyright Intermountain Jewish News.
CopyrightJ, the Jewish news weekly of Northern California