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Friday December 7, 2007

Jokes

Good business

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome — one has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money in the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches the scene. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country, and this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give more to him just out of spite.”

The beggar behind the Star of David listens to the priest, then turns to the other beggar with the cross and says, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

The Jewish grandmother’s answering machine

Hello, this is Sadie. I’m not at home right now, but should you wish to leave a message, you may do so now.

If you are one of my children, press 1.

If you want me to baby-sit, press 2.

If your car is still in the garage and you need to use mine, press 3.

If it’s Friday and you haven’t bought a challah yet, meaning I must rush out and get one, press 4.

If I need to take the grandkids to school/soccer/Little League/ballet/piano lessons/swimming lessons/bar mitzvah lessons, press 5.

If I have to pick up the grandkids from school/soccer/Little League/ballet/piano lessons/swimming lessons/bar mitzvah lessons, press 6.

If you’re at a meeting and you won’t make it home in time, meaning I must take the kids to the dentist/orthodontist/speech therapist/accelerated learning program/child psychologist/extra math, press 7.

If you want the kids to sleep over even though it’s my bridge night, press 8.

If you are one of my friends … what are you thinking? Who has time to talk to you?

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