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Friday January 11, 2008

Explaining Jewish food

Latkes

A pancake-like treat not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzah meal. Latkes can be eaten with applesauce but never with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.

Matzah

The Egyptians’ revenge for Israelites leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water — no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

Kasha varnishkes

One of the little-known delicacies that is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow tie noodles. Why a bow tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided, “You can’t come to the table without a tie” or, God forbid, “An elbow on my table?”

Kishka

You know from haggis? Well, this ain’t it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. The trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

Kreplach

It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a rabbinical debate on its origins. One rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard or soggy, and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.

Cholent

This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, bones and meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course), I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of refried beans: “What? Do they serve leftover cholent here too?”

Gefilte fish

Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually is made of small fish balls eaten with horseradish (chrain), which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

Bagels

How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don’t know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians, who couldn’t get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Nah. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible that could take the spread of cream cheese and doesn’t take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

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