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Friday January 25, 2008

Jokes

Holy Days and Hail Marys

David Mamet once wrote that the only true religious holidays in America are the Oscars and the Super Bowl. With that in mind, here is a look at how the Super Bowl compares with Judaism’s most holy day.

Yom Kippur: Proceeded by 10 days of repentance, during which you learn about the faults of people around you.

The Super Bowl: Proceeded by two weeks of hype, during which you learn about the faults of obscure athletes.

Yom Kippur: Observant Jews worldwide stand and chant following the cues of their religious leaders.

The Super Bowl: Football fans worldwide stand and cheer following the cues of John Madden.

Yom Kippur: Kol Nidre.

The Super Bowl: Pre-game show.

Yom Kippur: Everyone wants to know who shall be inscribed in the Book of Life.

The Super Bowl: Everyone wants to know who shall be inscribed in the NFL Record Book.

Yom Kippur: Millions of Jews attend services only on this day

The Super Bowl: Millions of people watch football only on this day.

Yom Kippur: Five separate services, lasting from 9:30 a.m. to sunset.

The Super Bowl: Pre-game show, game and post-game show,

lasting from 9:30 a.m. to 10:00 p.m.

Yom Kippur: Ends with final shofar blast, followed by benediction from rabbi.

The Super Bowl: Ends with popping of champagne corks, followed by phone call from president.

Yom Kippur: Overpriced tickets.

The Super Bowl: Overpriced tickets.

Yom Kippur: People who observe it gently patronized by mainstream society as “our Jewish friends.”

The Super Bowl: People who ignore it gently patronized by mainstream society as “out-of-touch geeks.”

Yom Kippur: Key prayers repeated over and over.

The Super Bowl: Key plays shown over and over.

Yom Kippur: Break the fast with a glass of wine.

The Super Bowl: End the game by pouring Gatorade over winning coach.

Yom Kippur: Wailing in agony over your misdeeds.

The Super Bowl: Wailing in agony over referee’s miscalls.

Yom Kippur: Follows New Year.

The Super Bowl: Follows New Year.

Yom Kippur: Jews beat themselves on the chest.

The Super Bowl: Players pat teammates on butt.