Holy Days and Hail Marys
David Mamet once wrote that the only true religious holidays in America are the Oscars and the Super Bowl. With that in mind, here is a look at how the Super Bowl compares with Judaism’s most holy day.
Yom Kippur: Proceeded by 10 days of repentance, during which you learn about the faults of people around you.
The Super Bowl: Proceeded by two weeks of hype, during which you learn about the faults of obscure athletes.
Yom Kippur: Observant Jews worldwide stand and chant following the cues of their religious leaders.
The Super Bowl: Football fans worldwide stand and cheer following the cues of John Madden.
Yom Kippur: Kol Nidre.
The Super Bowl: Pre-game show.
Yom Kippur: Everyone wants to know who shall be inscribed in the Book of Life.
The Super Bowl: Everyone wants to know who shall be inscribed in the NFL Record Book.
Yom Kippur: Millions of Jews attend services only on this day
The Super Bowl: Millions of people watch football only on this day.
Yom Kippur: Five separate services, lasting from 9:30 a.m. to sunset.
The Super Bowl: Pre-game show, game and post-game show,
lasting from 9:30 a.m. to 10:00 p.m.
Yom Kippur: Ends with final shofar blast, followed by benediction from rabbi.
The Super Bowl: Ends with popping of champagne corks, followed by phone call from president.
Yom Kippur: Overpriced tickets.
The Super Bowl: Overpriced tickets.
Yom Kippur: People who observe it gently patronized by mainstream society as “our Jewish friends.”
The Super Bowl: People who ignore it gently patronized by mainstream society as “out-of-touch geeks.”
Yom Kippur: Key prayers repeated over and over.
The Super Bowl: Key plays shown over and over.
Yom Kippur: Break the fast with a glass of wine.
The Super Bowl: End the game by pouring Gatorade over winning coach.
Yom Kippur: Wailing in agony over your misdeeds.
The Super Bowl: Wailing in agony over referee’s miscalls.
Yom Kippur: Follows New Year.
The Super Bowl: Follows New Year.
Yom Kippur: Jews beat themselves on the chest.
The Super Bowl: Players pat teammates on butt.
CopyrightJ, the Jewish news weekly of Northern California