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Friday January 25, 2008

The second time around can be free and easy

by melissa rayworth
the associated press

Amy Brown got married last year in a classic white bridal gown. It was a traditional church wedding with many guests, gorgeous flowers and a formal reception.

It happened to be her second wedding, but that didn’t raise many eyebrows.

Today, second-time brides have the freedom — some even say more freedom than first-timers — to celebrate their union however they wish. The distinction between first and second weddings has all but vanished, according to Kathleen Murray, deputy editor of the wedding planning Web site TheKnot.com. “There’s not the stigma attached at all,’’ she says.

Although some couples prefer a low-key affair, second weddings have become big business in the growing bridal industry. Often, these celebrations mix a few traditional elements with a slew of more individual touches.

“The second time, it may be more the wedding of their dreams,” says Modern Bride magazine editor Antonia van der Meer. “The first time, they were young and maybe it was more the wedding of their mother’s dreams.’’

Modern Bride counts second- and third-time brides among its readers, but doesn’t offer content aimed specifically at them.

“We made a conscious decision not to include rules about what to do if it’s your second wedding, or if you get married at 30 or at 40. It’s not about age or how many marriages you’ve had previously,’’ van der Meer said. “It is about freedom of choice and being who you are.’’

Jodi Davidson, who lives in New York City, first got married at 24. “I thought this was what you’re supposed to do, be a certain kind of bride with the fluffy dress,’’ she said.

A decade later, while planning her second wedding, she sees pictures from her first wedding and “none of it seems very ‘me’.’’

In Davidson’s case, the second wedding will be more traditional than the first. “I’m Jewish, so this time I am having a traditional Jewish wedding with a rabbi marrying us, breaking the glass,’’ she says. “When we first got engaged, I wondered, ‘Am I allowed to do these things?’ But you know what? It really doesn’t matter. You do what you want.’’

Brown and Davidson created very different second weddings, but they have much in common.

Being older, they are less likely “to ask for permission,” said van der Meer.

“They have a stronger sense of self,’’ says Murray. “And most of the time they’re paying for the wedding themselves, so they’re not feeling tied to what their parents want.’’

Registering for gifts is no longer taboo for second weddings, but couples may put a different spin on it by registering for informal dinnerware, say, or even sporting goods. Some request no gifts at all.

“I have seen a number of couples much later in life getting remarried and feeling like they don’t want to be asking for blenders,’’ says van der Meer. “You might ask people to give charitable donations to a cause that’s dear to your heart.’’ Couples can register at charitable-giving Web sites.

For some, the second wedding is also a merging of families. Some couples take family vows or exchange gifts with the children during the ceremony.

“As much as you can involve them, you should,’’ said Joanne Baum, a family therapist in Evergreen, Colo. “It isn’t all about you the way it was the first time, if you have kids.’”

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