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Friday February 22, 2008

Jokes

Bragging rights

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas, and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle, and they call my place the Jolly Roger.”

The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle, and they call my place Big John’s.”

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, “My name is Moishe, and I own only 300 acres.”

Roger laughs and says, “300 acres? What do you raise?”

“Nothing,” Moishe says.

“Well then, what do you call it?” asks John.

“Downtown Dallas.”

Beyond the grave

Chaim and Bernie, both in their 90s, live in a retirement home. One Friday, Chaim gets up very early, takes the newspaper from under his door and goes down to the lounge to read it. He opens the paper, turns to the obituaries page and gets the shock of his life. There, on page 43, is his own obituary!

Even though he quickly realizes that it’s an error, it both excites him and upsets him. He has to tell someone, so he goes to reception and uses the internal phone to call Bernie’s room.

After the phone has been ringing for nearly a minute, Bernie finally picks it up and says, sleepily, “Which meshugginah is ringing me so early?”

“Bernie,” shouts Chaim, “go pick up your newspaper and turn to page 43.”

“OK, I’ve got the paper,” says Bernie after a moment. “So what am I looking for?”

“Bernie, turn to page 43 and look at the bottom,” shouts Chaim.

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then, following a long silence, Bernie gets back on the phone and quietly asks, “Chaim, so where are you calling me from right now?”

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