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Friday October 9, 1998

Congregation brings sex, relationships into sanctuary

RICHARD B. SIMON
Bulletin Correspondent

Sex came off the front pages and into the synagogue Saturday night, when Tiburon's Congregation Kol Shofar presented a program on "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Love, Sex, Relationships..."

The discussion, featuring noted psychotherapist and author Lonnie Barbach, was part of Kol Shofar's monthly "Saturday Night at the Synagogue" cultural enrichment series.

Barbach, who has written several popular books about sex, said that the bedroom is often a barometer of a relationship, reflecting problems in other areas.

"For couples, relationship issues form a very, very important part of sexual difficulty in relationships," she said. "If you're feeling angry outside the bedroom, you're not going to feel like making love inside the bedroom."

Fielding questions posed directly by the audience, as well as some written discreetly on index cards, she discussed communication problems that can lead to sexual dysfunction in relationships.

Drawing an analogy to Newton's laws of thermodynamics, she said that energy in a relationship is always conserved or stored. Anger with one's partner does not disappear when it's ignored or buried; instead, it must be aired and worked out in order to bring about positive transformation.

"Another law of physics is that of entropy," Barbach said. "All systems -- biological, mechanical, physical -- wind down if energy is not put into them. If you had a business, and you put energy into it for the first year or two, and then you didn't, you wouldn't expect the business to support you for the rest of your life, but somehow we expect a relationship to [sustain itself]."

She stressed that successful relationships need to be maintained, introducing the concept of the "endless courtship," in which the intense attention given to a relationship in its early stages is continued, long after the initial excitement of a new loving partnership has subsided.

With a nod to the demographics of her audience, Barbach discussed menopause -- she is the author of a book titled "The Pause" -- and methods for enjoying healthy, active sex lives in midlife and after. She also noted that the popular anti-impotence drug Viagra has been helpful for many of her patients.

As Barbach's frank, casual lecture style eased the crowd's inhibitions, the discussion became open and lively, ranging from technical sexual questions to societal concerns about the Clinton-Lewinsky affair.

While Barbach stressed that sexual and relationship issues transcend denominational boundaries, she said Jews are more likely to engage in open discussion of sexual issues than Americans of other faiths.

Karen Roekard, Kol Shofar's director of community cultural programming, said the Jewish community needs a forum in which to discuss relationships and sex. She planned the event to bridge the spiritual intensity of the High Holy Days with the more sensual celebration of Sukkot.

Associate Rabbi Daniel Kohn agreed with the timing, noting that Sukkot is a celebration of the bounty, of the fertility of the earth. He also emphasized the appropriateness of the synagogue as a forum for sexual discussion:

"In a Jewish context, we focus not just on sex for its own sake, but how does it fit into a relationship, and how do you create a holy relationship," he said. "Sexual relationship is really a metaphor for how human beings relate to God, as well, with the same kind of spirituality. It is the essence of holiness, of kiddusha."

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